


The Darkest thoughts

by saya4haji



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, jealous ex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 18:39:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13770159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saya4haji/pseuds/saya4haji
Summary: When Mon-el returns and sees Lena and Kara happy he throws a jealous fit, hurling every insult and low comment he can at Lena to undermine their relationship.Lena ruminated on these thoughts and the realities of her relationship.





	The Darkest thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this first chapter but could never think of how to write the resolution so I figured I would post it as a self contained one shot. If anyone feels inspired to use it as a prompt or wants to have a stab at the second resolution chapter then please do, just hit me up so I can read it :-)
> 
> ps no beta reader or proof reading on this one. Sorry it's so rough.

Lena took a long gulp of her scotch as she stared blindly out over the balcony of her office. Usually the height would make her dizzy, but staring into the blurry night of the city's dimming lights was the only respite from her churning mind.

Lena's phone pinged another message, drawing her from her thoughts.

**Kara D.**

**-Ah babe, I can't believe you have to work late again. Breakfast in the am? Xoxox**

Lena's stomach churned at having lied to her girlfriend but she just couldn't face Kara tonight.

She was a fool to think her happiness could last.

After Mon-el left, Kara had been so remote and broken, but over the past 6 months she had regained her spark. Kara was back to being her sunshine self. What had made it even better had been the closeness that developed between her and Lena. Lena had never had a friend like Kara. Selfless, honest and someone who genuinely cared about her for who she was, not her money or her name. Lena snorted. Or so she thought.

They had started dating three months ago after Kara had revealed her identity to Lena, unable to lie to her anymore she claimed, especially when her feelings were drifting beyond mere friendship.

Lena had understood why Kara hid her identity. She was a luthor'. Kara claimed it was because of the DEO confidentiality, that Kara didn't want Lena to become a target or treat her differently. Pretty words, but deep down in her heart Lena knew it was because she was a luthor. She couldn't be trusted, she didn't deserve that knowledge. The sister of a mass murderer, a man who had tried to kill Kara's cousin...Lena knew she was totally unworthy of being in on the secret.

That hadn't mattered though. Lena loved Kara. The formidable, genius Luthor, toppled by love. She would take Kara's love in whatever form she could get it. Lena was just so privileged and blessed to have Kara in her life. Kara who was friendly, selfless, funny, thoughtful, intelligent and beautiful. No one was good enough for Kara, especially not Lena.

They had been taking it slow. A pace that Lena was happy to follow, allowing Kara to set the limits. Lena had thought Kara would come to her senses sooner, so the slow approach meant Lena could guard her heart, not taste the true miracle of having all of Kara to herself, before it was taken away. Yet, three months later they were still together. Kara stayed. And things seemed to be going from strength to strength. She had tentatively met the super friends. She had stayed over at Kara's apartment and known they joy of kissing kara, of touching her and sleeping in her arms. Their pace slowly building. Lena was embarrassingly ready to yell, "take me now" or something corny like, "let me make love to you." But she would wait, she would go at Kara's pace.

Everything had been wonderful. Lena's cheeks in recent weeks had aches from smiling so much, her face totally unused to this level of happiness. As a luthor she should have known it wouldn't last

Mon El had returned last week. He had found a way to innoculate himself against the lead. Lena was devastated. She knew what was coming. Kara was going to pick Mon El. The hero, the prince, the alien, the middle America handsome prick.

And yet she didn't. Kara had proclaimed her love for Lena and sent Mon El away. Lena had wanted to cry with joy. She knew she wasn't the better choice but she was selfish enough, enough of a luthor, not to care. So long as she had Kara.

It was earlier today that Jess had buzzed her that she had a personal guest. Mike.

Lena had felt compelled to let him in, to let him threaten her to be good to Kara. She had let Alex and J'onn do it. It was only right and fair.

Yet when Mon El came into her office his face was spiteful and angry. She had expected violence but what she got was so much worse. The conversation echoed in her head...

_----------------------------

"You think you have won Luthor but you're just a distraction" Mon El hissed at her the second he entered her office.

Lena's open expression froze and she frowned, "Kara loves me. If you have come here merely to hurl insults then you may as well leave. Kara has chosen and I will respect that, as I hope you would."

Mon El had snorted cruelly then, "you actually believe she loves you? You fool, she is Kryptonian." He laughed.

Lena froze. There was pity and knowledge in his tone. Lena had never believed Kara loved her, had never understood why Kara would love how even if she did, but perhaps Mon el had the answer.

"What has her being Kryptonian got to do with it?" Lena asked pretending disinterest.

Mon El smiled as he warmed to his topic.

" Kryptonians don't do love of people. They had their matrix. They engineered the emotion and passion out of themselves. What they are attracted to is what their birthing matrix programs. Their House wants them to join with a good family, a powerful family. One with intellectual Providence, proved ability and pedigree. She doesn't love you luthor, her genes make her want to be with the best mate. Someone successful, smart and powerful. You happen to be those things." Mon el snarled.

Lena's stomach curdled. She was no stranger to people wanting her for her money and name. She had just never imagined Kara was the type. Her heart broke at the thought. Fighting back tears she tried to argue, "you were none of those things and she dated you."

Mon el stood pridefully. "I am a prince. I come from Krypton's sister planet Daxam. Our races were always at war, equals in many ways on a genetic level. Here on this planet I am super strong and resilient. Her genes chose me for those qualities not because she loved me. That is why we dated."

Lena was finding it hard to breathe. It made a horrible kind of sense.

Before she could speak Mon El stuck the knife in deeper, "I can smell her on you but you haven't slept together yet have you?" He leered.

"That is none of your..." Lena began.

"No you wouldn't have. Kryptonians were 90 something percent asexual you know. They only engaged in such primitive acts if their mates did. To please them," Mon El said blandly, yet with clear sadistic pleasure.

" Kara knew I was a Daxamite, a race who are highly sexual so she adapted. And with my enhanced strength she didn't have to hold back. She never held back from me, not from the first day we got together, her genes knew that's what I wanted," Mon El boasted and layered innuendo in every word.

Lena swayed in her chair. They were going slow. Kara had never said she was asexual...but would she have? And she was so gentle with Lena, or was it hesitant.

"Your human," Mon El continued. Your species aren't as sexual as mine so Kara has probably been putting it off. That and she is likely scared of snapping you like a twig. She would always have to hold back with you in bed. No real enjoyment...even if that was something she wanted. She would have given in eventually, her genes wouldn't let her let such a powerful mate from a powerful House get away."

Lena had tears slowly leaking from her eyes. Nausea clawed at her throat. What Mon El described, it sounded too close to rape. That Kara would sleep with Lena just to stay with her. Was it true?!

Seeing Lena cry Mon El smiled. His work was done.

"You thought you had won. But you don't even know the real Kara," Mon El taunted as he spun and left.

\-----------------------  
The echos of the confrontation still resound in Lena's mind.

 

4 hours had passed and Lena still stood on her balcony, a half bottle of scotch in and avoiding Kara as she replayed the conversation over and over. What was she to do? Tell Kara? Ask her if Mon El was telling the truth?

But what if he was?

Did Lena care that Kara was with her because she had been socialised and genetically engineered to be a good Kryptonian, to want a mate who was powerful and from a strong House. Lena had always told herself she would never date or like someone who was with here for her family name and money, rather than herself.

Yet, the thought of being without Kara...it hurt. It hurt so bad. Kara was a single ray of light in her life. She knew she didn't deserve her love and care for real but she was a luthor and selfish and if she could have it, even a facsimile of it, she wanted it. How pathetic was she? She doesn't care why Kara is with her, just that she is.

Afterall, no one is good enough for Kara, but if Lena could keep her, love her, be with her. Laugh together, watch cheesy Netflix together, have lunch. Get to see Kara smile and feel her soft hands on her own...it didn't matter why she got Kara so long as she had her. Lena wouldn't ask. Couldn't. It didn't matter, it wouldn't matter so why increase the pain by having it confirmed.

As to sex. Lena would definitely have to discuss this topic with Kara. Was that why they went so slow? Was Kara afraid to hurt her or had she no passion? Was she just doing it to please Lena? A duty? That felt wrong and dirty, almost like forcing Kara. And if with her enhanced powers she would never be able to fully enjoy herself for fear of harming Lena, then even if she wanted to, was there any point? Would that not be cruel? If Kara did want sex there had to be solutions though. Lena was a genius and rich, she could find a way around Kara's powers, she could design a red sun lamp or lex has to have some kryptonite stored somewhere...

But if Kara actually doesn't want sex, could Lena live without that component of a relationship. She had never had many lovers. The sister of the deranged terrorist lex luthor was an intimidating prospect. Also she had coped quite well without sex in the years since Jack and her broke up. Lena was a rich woman and independent. She could do without or afford the best 'toy' box to take care of the matter herself. It was a mere biological need afterall her inner scientist said.

Ultimately, if it was what Kara wanted...if Kara did not want sex, Lena would not force her or make her endure it. The idea was sickening. Lena valued Kara for more than her body. She loved her mind and her heart, her compassion. Her thoughtfulness and kindness. Kara had always treated her as a real person, not as her name. She had held faith in her and supported her in bad times. Kara just made Lena's life better. Made her smile and laugh.

A relationship without sex in order to have Kara all to herself, to call her her own.

A small price to pay.

Lena swallowed the last of the scotch and staggered into her office sofa. As darkness overtook her mind in sleep, she wondered how in the hell she would address the issue with Kara? What would her answer be? Would she confirm or deny Mon El's two assertions?

Only time would tell. All Lena knew was that she was not going to lose Kara. If she had to fight dirty to keep her, as unworthy as she is...well she was a luthor. Fighting dirty was a family trait.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment.


End file.
